Thankfulness, Day 29 To Corey..

I am thankful that God is with us in dark places. I am thankful for Corey. If you feel up for a cry, please read on...what I wrote for Corey back in August. If you are someone close to me who thinks I should have told you this in person, please forgive me for not telling you this in person, some things are easier for me to write.

I first knew you were there when I could open the upstairs windows at night and smell roses and lavender as though they were close enough to touch. You woke me up to use the toilet every 2 hours and I remembered how well that prepares me for the months ahead. Though usually a bustle of energy, with you needing to grow all I could do was sleep and sleep! You made me feel nauseaus and I didn't want to eat my favorite foods anymore, but I loved the fresh vegetables, the homemade broth, even the liver that I ate every week for you to grow strong. Then when we took the test to know for certain you were there...one drop...a blue line, another blue line. "Praise God" I said, and looked out the bathroom window on the garden below and smiled. I gave your poppa our willow tree "cherish" (a figurine of a woman about 7 months pregnant) and a pair of booties that Grammie had bought in England for Ethan. He was so delighted, I was so delighted. You continued to make me nauseaus and too dizzy and uncomfortable to ride the bus through the summer. So we stayed home and I read many stories to the children, thinking that you might enjoy listening too. When I sang songs to your brothers as they were falling asleep, I hoped you could hear them too and be surrounded by love as you grew. I thought about your pinpoint eyes that formed at 6 weeks, and your nubs for fingers and toes. Just 4 days ago I thought of how you have tiny feet, smaller than the tip of my pinky finger. I don't know if you ever did have those feet, just 3 days ago I awoke to small blood stains. I saw the doctor, and an exam said everything was fine. I was going to have a scan the next day, and then we would see you. 2 hours before my appointment, a huge clot of blood dropped in the toilet. Tears, tears, tears. This is it, I knew, you had gone on. I look out the window at our garden that is showing signs of the long hot summer. The warning signs got more urgent and more frequent. Going to A&E, (accident and emergency), a friend comes to drive me, another stays with the boys who are crying as I leave. At the hospital...I am having a miscarriage. They hand me a red slip and I check in. I never had a red slip before, but in England, you still have to wait the queue and answer the questions that you can't understand through the plastic window and the various accents. Various nurses and questions. I am led back to a room with 3 other people. After the urgency is dealt with, finally a nurse cares for my dignity. I find out later she is 10 weeks pregnant. I look for something beautiful in the room. Its full of signs and supplies and medical equipment. Poppa arrives. The doctor comes to examine me, she is moving to the states next week. The neck of the womb is open, she says. I knew, but it still brings even more tears to this day full of tears. She leaves to get a gynecologist, and they turn my bed so its facing the wall. I look up at the window that is opaque. I can see the beatiful light that comes even through clouds, even through opaque glass. How much more beautiful is that light than the harsh flourescent light. I sing the song I sang to the boys and you just last night, though I don't know if you were already gone then..."When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, "Even so, it is well with my soul".

"Todd," I say, "Todd, do you know, our baby is with Jesus now? It must be so happy. It must be so peaceful..." And yet, that night after an operation to remove the tissue, many more exams, and needle pricks and starvation and being in a room with 6 other ailing women trying to sleep I pray, "Jesus, I know you are holding our baby, would you let me know you are holding me that way too...and lift me from this awful place, and give me rest for the night."

We are naming you Corey, either for a boy or a girl. Though I don't know which you were, your Maker does. There are many Corey's or Corrie's as such in this world, but you are named in memory of Corrie Ten Boom.
I wrote this on August 5, 2010. We miscarried Corey on August 4.
I am thankful that God answered that prayer, and he did lift me up, and I am thankful, so thankful for those 10 weeks to be Corey's momma.

Adventures on the high street

In these parts it was the last day of school for most children! You know the excitement of the last day, and as we walked up to the high street I could see uniformed children skipping and laughing on their way to school. Of course I understand that, its just a bit odd because of all the places I have lived the last day of school has been in May or maybe June, but the end of July? The British have a great year-round system where kids go to school for 6 weeks and then have 1 week off, have 2 weeks off for Christmas holidays and Easter holidays, which by the way are called Easter holidays. Now they are off for the summer holidays and will return in September.
Anyway, what I wanted to blog about was my curious cat children and all that they did on the high street today. Ethan has not been allowed to ride his scooter through the town centers since an incident involving a metal sign where he, looking the other way ran full speed into the sign, knocking it over. So today, he walked and Tim walked for most of the way, though rode in the umbrella stroller for a bit of it. This isn't the wonderful stroller my sister gave me, which some how has broken, but another one that we bought second hand. Its much nicer for going into stores with very narrow aisles and grumpy elderly people who don't want you to be in the stores. First stop was FARA charity shop for furniture, and we asked about bunk beds...the chap said he'd sell one to me for a reasonable price and I decide to call Todd about it (of course forgot my mobile phone) and then you can imagine what two small children would do in a shop crammed with second hand furniture. We go to the card shop for a look, the kids see some balloons...and well, there's another shop to leave. Stop at the ATM and Ethan enjoys pressing a couple of the buttons. Cross the street to the butcher where I get my yummy free range eggs the same price as Tesco's eggs and some (ugh!) liver! But liver is good for me with all the iron, so I've taken to making it, though I can't stand it and only persuade my family to eat it by making a dessert on the same night. Next stop a browse in the pet store and a longing eye at the gerbils and hamsters and rabbits...Ethan plays with the rabbit cages that are on display. Come now, come now, COME NOW. Next stop post office and the kids want to touch the dividing strap, and they make the pens hang down, and off we mail grammies birthday card to the US. Lots of love in there Grammie, no peaking till your birthday. The boys put the cards and other mail in the red pillar post box, and dilly dally, hanging from the box. There is a man waiting behind us. "Do you think anyone else would like to use the post box today?" I ask, and we move on. A look in the charity shop for shirts and books for the kids, the kids obviously find things, but I don't , so its "not today, come now." A stop in an actual furniture store, produces a good bit of longing in me for a new bunk bed, but of course thats not very reasonable. The kids climb on the bed and on the way out Ethan punches every roll of carpet and climbs on a carpet on a trolley. "One more instance and you will have to hang on to the buggy" Then we are crossing the "Zebra Crossing" and Ethan is playing a hop scotch, jumping from stripe to stripe. The cars behind patiently waiting. And now I have a boy holding onto the buggy. We go to the News Agent to top up my Oyster Card for the coming week and Ethan watches the lottery advert and the Indian man who runs the story tries to talk to him and he says, "You're clever" and I think "right, clever!" He's staring at the simple video with his mouth open! Anyway, they manage to say bye, and he says "Bye darlings!" (all kids are called darlings, and sweetie and poppet here!) Finally we arrive home. Such were our adventures on the high street. And as far as I could tell, not one grumpy look from any elderly people, unless they did it as we passed, which may well be.

Little sighs, little hoorays...daily life in the UK

Little joys and little annoyances filled my day...many hoorays and sighs...



One joy is the delivery of groceries that are ordered online. Well, its a little difficult to get it all in the tiny fridge, though I managed. I shouldn't complain, we are blessed with an additional freezer. The fridge back home was enormous compared to this!

On my fridge I have some magnets---from the National Zoo in Washington DC, from Cedar Run Cattle on the Eastern Shore in Maryland (Where I used to get my fresh eggs and meat from, farmer Lou asked us to put his magnet on the fridge here) I have some pics of my family and Todd's brother's kids. I have some phone lists, including an emergency phone list I only had the sense to make about 2 weeks ago. Hooray for online shopping and the Tesco delivery chap!




Next sigh ...left the knitting out where the 2 year old who loves swords and string can find it. I recently have been learning how to knit, have a scarf I have been working on and because I am so enthralled with the idea that this is actually making something I carelessly left it out. I may need to call in help to salvage my project. Hooray for friends who can teach me new things!



Certainly the biggest sigh of the day happened when I went to register at the GP. (For my American readers, the GP is the general practioner, with the national health system everyone has to register at their local GP) This particular GP would not let us register until we had been here for 6 months. I went in March to register our whole family and I brought all our passports plus an item of mail for the last 6 months that had our name and address on it. Turns out I needed one piece of mail for each of the last 6 months with Todd's name and address on it and one for each of the last 6 months with my name and address on it. Now, because I am not working and do not pay the bills and many places send us our stuff over email, I had to scrounge to get these papers together, and 5 weeks later I return to register at the GP. So there I am with all my papers at the reception desk of the GP's surgery (yes, americans, the surgery is the doctors office, not the O.R.) The woman at the desk oohs and aahs about my American passport. I guess American passports are really patriotic and showy compared to other countries. They all come round to look at it. "There really is a picture on every page." Right, and each page has quotes like.."We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness..."

There are about 7 other people politely waiting in the queue behind me. Then someone, not really sure who, comes down and asks me some questions (that I would have deemed private) in front of this queue of people. This is slightly annoying to me, after working in America in a chiropractic clinic when HIPAA was launched and everyones personal health information became super hush-hush. So, slightly embarrassed, I leave the GP surgery knowing I have ticked off one other thing from my list and assured that I still have no idea what to do in this culture! Government run health care....hooray? (By the way, you may be wondering what private questions the person asked me today, and the only answer you are going to get is that they were private, and if those 7 other people have a blog or a facebook or a twitter, they may be sharing that information on their sites.)




Hooray and sigh for the sun staying up later! My children have a really difficult time sleeping when its bright outside. I love the light, its wonderful that now in the beginning of May it already stays light until 9 pm, so...we will have to get some black out shades. Hooray for sunshine and longer days!






I saw the sweetest elderly couple walking along the high street today. She was using a cane and he was carrying the groceries in a bag. They were holding hands and smiling, their white hair blowing in the breeze and their faces beaming. Beautiful people, I thought to myself. Hope Todd and I are like that when we are old.




I popped into a charity shop (thrift shop, Americans) on the way home and found a brand new book that Ethan will love. Hooray for charity shops on the high street!



Hooray also for bank holidays! Yesterday was a bank holiday and so Todd was home, and today was his normal day off so it was a wonderfully nice break for all of us! Hooray!

Oh the things they say

So like most parents, I think my children are pretty extraordinary, but here are some sentences and phrases that have been coming out of their mouths lately...

"Poppa, Little Bo Peep has sheep legs."

"Oh really, how do you know?"

"I saw her legs on the movie (Toy Story) and she had sheep legs."

Tim, after being carried down and set at the breakfast table sits with a terrific scowl on his face. After 1 minute of people telling him good morning, he lets a deep, angry roar. Startled I laugh, and he cracks a slight grin...

Ethan says, "I am so happy, its like I am jumping a thousand feet from one mountain to another mountain and landing on a tower of pillows."

Some kids have imaginary friends, and well Ethan does have an imaginary friend named Sasa...Sasa comes complete with family and extended family. According to Ethan Sasa never gets sick, always obeys his mommy, and has completed several large building projects. Well, thats one thing and here's another...Ethan now has an imaginary plant called "Showdon" The Showdon has leaves in the winter and no leaves in the summer and when you sit in its shade in the winter you feel warm.

Tim, "Where Tim's sword is..." "Where Tim's helmet is..." "Where Tarzan is..." "Where Sir Kay is..." "Where Buzz Lightyear is..." (To this we show him his Buzz...he says no, other buzz...its in America, thats Christopher's Buzz....deep frown, and he says "Merica...")

Whenever we tell Tim something is empty or gone, or we can't have it now...he says, "Have after dinner."

Tim sits in bed saying his friends names..."Cameron, Ella, Daniel, Becca, Ethan, Hannah, Toby, Amy, Bethany, Ethan, Ella..."

For the most part they still talk like Americans, and have only picked up few British words...Tim will ask for dry trousers and Ethan says he needs to use to use the Loo....Tim seems to know if we need more bread, the place we get is Tesco. One time, Tim even called out "Cheers" as he we were leaving a place.

Ethan tells Tim as they are playing with sand, "Tim, God is always with you. Even if you can't see him, he's there."

Tim points to the air and says, "God"

Ethan, "Every day with Jesus is like 1 mile closer to heaven."

Tim, "Jesus Alive."

What unique and wonderful children I have, and how great it is to be with them all day!

I have to be honest and say that they use these same tongues and knowledge of words to say nasty things to one another, tell me a lie, whine or complain. The nasty words are as nasty as the sweet words are sweet. What a reminder to watch what comes out of my mouth!

The End of a Matter is Better than its Beginning...

Hanging up Timothy's wet nappies, my heart is lifting a hopeful song...he has begun to use the potty! Hard to believe my mischievous 2 year old has been wearing the same cloth nappies since we came home from the Birth Center in 2008.

Not to say I don't enjoy the cloth nappies, because the ones we have are so adorable, and they are soft on his bum. Besides the other bonus of how simple and happy they look all hung up in a row, or folded in a drawer. Tim likes to sit in a big pile of his clean nappies unfolding the tabs.

All the same, the idea that Tim is now using the toilet at least a few times a day is a very encouraging one. The daily tasks of mothering are repeated over and over and over. Its so easy to let them be done without love, filled instead with bitterness, resentment, annoyance, irritation, self righteousness, pride. Somehow, day after day these tasks are nurturing these little ones as they grow. Then we get to stand back and see how far they have grown, and marvel that this was happening all the while.

For "The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride." Ecclesiastes 7:20