Merry Christmas!

We are wishing all our family and friends a holly jolly Christmas!

Early December in our house

So that's a lot of pictures to give you an idea of highlights of our December...decorating the Christmas tree, snowfall, Ethan's birthday...sweet days these are! Our paper chain is our advent calendar this year, we do a verse and pray for one member of our family each day. Ethan loved his crossbow and has shot some bull's eyes already...the hallway makes a perfect place for shooting when he puts the box on the stairs. (It's like having recess in the foyer, if you have heard Tim Hawkin's on homeschooling) Tim took the picture of Ethan doing his workbook, pretty good for the first try!

Thankfulness, day 30

On my last day of my thankfulness project, I am thankful for Thanksgiving Day. I am thankful that the Pilgrims survived and could feast and have a celebration. I am thankful that we have this holiday to stop and give thanks. I am thankful for turkey, for the smell of sage in chestnut stuffing, I am thankful for potatoes and corn bread, for pie. I am thankful for ways of cooking all these foods without gluten and dairy. I am thankful for little boys who "help" with the cooking, and I am thankful for husbands who come to the rescue! I am thankful for husband's who take the day off while the rest of the UK is working and carrying on as normal. I am thankful for a dear friend from our church who is special to our boys being able to spend the day with us. I am thankful for turkey crafts and coloring pages and the Magic School Bus at the First Thanksgiving books. I am thankful to be thankful, it is a gift.
"Are you ever burdened with a load of care, does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your many blessings see what God has done."

Thankfulness, day 29 To Corey

I am thankful that God is with us in dark places. I am thankful for Corey. If you feel up for a cry, please read on...what I wrote for Corey back in August. If you are someone close to me who thinks I should have told you this in person, please forgive me for not telling you this in person, some things are easier for me to write.

I first knew you were there when I could open the upstairs windows at night and smell roses and lavender as though they were close enough to touch. You woke me up to use the toilet every 2 hours and I remembered how well that prepares me for the months ahead. Though usually a bustle of energy, with you needing to grow all I could do was sleep and sleep! You made me feel nauseaus and I didn't want to eat my favorite foods anymore, but I loved the fresh vegetables, the homemade broth, even the liver that I ate every week for you to grow strong. Then when we took the test to know for certain you were there...one drop...a blue line, another blue line. "Praise God" I said, and looked out the bathroom window on the garden below and smiled. I gave your poppa our willow tree "cherish" (a figurine of a woman about 7 months pregnant) and a pair of booties that Grammie had bought in England for Ethan. He was so delighted, I was so delighted. You continued to make me nauseaus and too dizzy and uncomfortable to ride the bus through the summer. So we stayed home and I read many stories to the children, thinking that you might enjoy listening too. When I sang songs to your brothers as they were falling asleep, I hoped you could hear them too and be surrounded by love as you grew. I thought about your pinpoint eyes that formed at 6 weeks, and your nubs for fingers and toes. Just 4 days ago I thought of how you have tiny feet, smaller than the tip of my pinky finger. I don't know if you ever did have those feet, just 3 days ago I awoke to small blood stains. I saw the doctor, and an exam said everything was fine. I was going to have a scan the next day, and then we would see you. 2 hours before my appointment, a huge clot of blood dropped in the toilet. Tears, tears, tears. This is it, I knew, you had gone on. I look out the window at our garden that is showing signs of the long hot summer. The warning signs got more urgent and more frequent. Going to A&E, (accident and emergency), a friend comes to drive me, another stays with the boys who are crying as I leave. At the hospital...I am having a miscarriage. They hand me a red slip and I check in. I never had a red slip before, but in England, you still have to wait the queue and answer the questions that you can't understand through the plastic window and the various accents. Various nurses and questions. I am led back to a room with 3 other people. After the urgency is dealt with, finally a nurse cares for my dignity. I find out later she is 10 weeks pregnant. I look for something beautiful in the room. Its full of signs and supplies and medical equipment. Poppa arrives. The doctor comes to examine me, she is moving to the states next week. The neck of the womb is open, she says. I knew, but it still brings even more tears to this day full of tears. She leaves to get a gynecologist, and they turn my bed so its facing the wall. I look up at the window that is opaque. I can see the beatiful light that comes even through clouds, even through opaque glass. How much more beautiful is that light than the harsh flourescent light. I sing the song I sang to the boys and you just last night, though I don't know if you were already gone then..."When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, "Even so, it is well with my soul".

"Todd," I say, "Todd, do you know, our baby is with Jesus now? It must be so happy. It must be so peaceful..." And yet, that night after an operation to remove the tissue, many more exams, and needle pricks and starvation and being in a room with 6 other ailing women trying to sleep I pray, "Jesus, I know you are holding our baby, would you let me know you are holding me that way too...and lift me from this awful place, and give me rest for the night."

We are naming you Corey, either for a boy or a girl. Though I don't know which you were, your Maker does. There are many Corey's or Corrie's as such in this world, but you are named in memory of Corrie Ten Boom.
I wrote this on August 5, 2010. We miscarried Corey on August 4.
I am thankful that God answered that prayer, and he did lift me up, and I am thankful, so thankful for those 10 weeks to be Corey's momma.

Thankfulness, day 26, 27, 28

been a bit behind as I try to scrape a Thanksgiving dinner together and am a bit gimpy still from the fall down the stairs!

I am so thankful for how wonderful it is to see people who give of themselves--giving love and time, and resources and hospitality. When it can be so hard to give, as times are difficult and we are limited, it is wonderful to see people share of themselves. Thank you God for people who labor in love out of faith. Thank you for people who believe that it is worth it. Thank you for those who are ridiculously generous and for those who go beyond what would seem possible to help those in need. Thank you God. It's a sign of your goodness to us.

Thank you for Jesus and for coming to rescue us, for coming as one of us. Thank you for being faced with every temptation but remaining with out sin. Thank you for the suffering you endured, humbling yourself to the point of death on a cross. Thank you for not letting sin and death have the last word. Thank you for raising Jesus from the dead. Thank you for life forever in his name. And that it really is life. Thank you that you aren't finished with us yet, thank you that you continue to help us, thank you that we can always come to you through Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We could never stop thanking you!

Thankfulness, day 25

Today I am thankful for changes in plans and for having to slow down. Yesterday I fell from the top of the landing all the way down to the bottom step...thankful for no broken bones, thankful for Arnica, thankful for ice packs and thankful for legos and DVD's and markers to keep my boys engaged while I sit on the couch and read. That is one enormous bruise and one very sore arm. Its not quite the same as when my sister and I used to sit on our enormous bears that were bigger than us, hold their legs and slide down the stairs on them. Thankful for friends who come round to help, and thankful that my house just isn't going to be clean for home group.

Thankfulness, day 22, 23, 24

I am thankful for 3 red jackets. Last night as we waited to catch a train home, during the rush hour I kept my boys back against the wall of the platform (thank you for that safe place to wait) and played Colored Coats. The game is this...watch all the hundreds of people swarming off the train and trooping up the stairs and count how many coats have a color other than black, brown, or grey. There were 3!

I am thankful for how sweet little twin girls look when they are dressed alike. I am thankful for that strange light in the sky (the sun!) I am thankful that in the winter time we see more of the moon.
I am thankful that Prince William asked Kate to marry him. I am thankful for engagements and weddings and marriages.
I am thankful for my husband and how he pursues me. I am thankful for the day he asked me to marry me, and for our wedding and for these nearly 10 years that we have spent together.

Thankfulness, day 21

I am thankful for clean streets, for living in a council that removes graffiti (or as Ethan calls it...geography) from the play ground equipment. I am thankful for the elderly woman who held Tim's hand while I tried to carry all the stuff on to the bus. I am thankful for getting on a crowded bus, with my 2 little ones and discovering my husband was already on the bus. I am thankful that when children lose their shoes or hats or mittens, people pick them up and place them on the garden wall or the fence or the stop light. I love when people take a moment to help people they don't know, are still considerate enough not to drop trash everywhere, clean up after their dogs, I am thankful for these things.
And I am thankful that my friend's baby girl is 1 today!

Thankfulness, day 20

I am thankful today, for the habit of thankfulness! I feel so lifted out of this downward spiral of complaining and moaning and cynicism. I know this is not of my own, but a work of God in me. I was in such a rut when I started this process of blogging something I am thankful for everyday before thanksgiving day. Here it is 20 days in, and what a difference. On day 2 I was still wallowing and angry and not wanting to write anything, because I felt so low. And now, God has given me such a greater sense of peace and joy. Thank you God for the gift it is to give thanks.

Thanks also for giddy little boys before they go to sleep, thanks for Tim's sweet smile and telling me "You have sweet dreams" over and over. Thanks for how beautiful the frost and the fog looked this morning with the trees bare branches reaching up in the midst of it. Thanks for helping us finally meet our neighbors across the street. Thanks for pigeons and how funny they look sitting on the chimney pots to warm themselves. Thanks for Laura Ingalls Wilder and the 1800's, my favorite time of history. Thanks God for candles on the table even when its just me eating with the kids, for hot soup and peppermint tea. Thanks for watching over us. Thanks for Jesus.

Thankfulness, day 19

Today I am thankful for the slideshow that plays on my laptop when its not being used. Sitting here with my ill 2 year old listening to a Christian radio station from my home town (online) watching these pictures go by. These are just a few. I am thankful for pictures and memories and my family, and for this homesick feeling. Thankful that I can hear people talking in a way I understand and for online streaming audio radio...the same station I used to listen to driving to work. Thank you God, for these good gifts.

Thankfulness, day 18

Sara Groves has a song that has lyrics somewhat to this effect: "What I thought I wanted, what I got instead, leaves me broken, yet grateful." I am thankful that God doesn't always give what we think we want. I am thankful he is good and his ways are good and his ultimate purposes for me is for my good and his glory. I am thankful that he is always the same even though life and circumstances can change, and sometimes be very, very hard. I am thankful that this is the temporary stuff and that heaven is forever, and i am thankful I will be there with Him. Thank you God, for not giving always giving me what I want, thank you for giving me what you give instead. Its perfect.

Thankfulness, day 17

I am thankful for skype, facebook, email, blogspot that help me stay connected to friends and family back home.

Thankfulness, day 16

You know what one of the hardest things about living in England is?" my friend Renee asks me as we contemplate the idea that we have been interviewing for a position in England. Renee was a missionary in Guatemala in a town called Zacapa. She had 2 very small children and often no water or electricity, very hot temperatures, and the constant pressures of ministry. "One of the hardest things, for an American, is that you probably won't have a dryer." What? No dryer? In England? The idea had never occured to me, after all I wasn't going to a place like Zacapa? But its true, we have been living in a beautiful wonderful home and there is no dryer, and yet I am okay with that. Well, sort of. Its okay in the summer when you can dry things outside and they smell crisp and lovely. There are wonderful pegs in the bathroom that I can hang and stretch things out on, but when the weather turns cold and damp and it takes 2 days for things to dry and then they need washed again because they smell moldy...I started to not be okay. "This is so hard!" I complained to todd one night. "This is so hard, I can't deal with this!" Now you may know why I let my kids sleep in their clothes, and they may be wearing the same thing for 2 + days. Hey they are clean on Sunday. :)
Then last friday our property manager calls and asks how we would like a dryer as the owners of our house want to get one. "Yes," I say, barely able to get it out, "I would really, really like that." It was supposed to take 5 weeks to arrive, and it was delivered yesterday (after only 4 days). Today I pulled warm, soft jeans and socks out of the condenser dryer, sang the doxology and cried. For joy. I am thankful for dryers and for generous home owners and for God who knows I just need a bit more help to make it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And for the foam packaging, because my boys have been playing with it.
A condensor dryer by the way is very clever, it takes all the water and some how collects it in a container at the top of the dryer, after each load the water is emptied out into the sink. There is no dryer vent that leads to the outside, it is all contained.

Thankfulness, day 15

Today I finished replacing some family photos in a collage frame (a project I started only 6 weeks ago, and left until today). So I am thankful for finished projects, but even more thankful for all these wonderful people in my family. For my sister and her husband and 2 delightful children. I am thankful for the way they play so well with my kids when we are together. I am thankful for all the ways my sister has always been there for me. I am thankful for my mom. She worked so hard at raising us and providing for us, and still continues to be an irreplaceable part of my life! I am thankful for my dad and all the hard work he did for our family, I am thankful for the 11 years I got to spend with him...how he taught me to play chess, take us on surprise outings, and how he built a television. I am thankful for my step dad and how he cares for my mom and us, how he makes us laugh, cooks great food and says "cheeseburger" every time we take a picture of him. I am thankful for my aunt and uncle and how when we lived closer to them we were able to see them occasionaly...I am thankful that Ethan's first time at the beach was with my aunt and how I have this fab picture of her holding his hand as the waves go over their feet. I am thankful for my aunt and uncle and their two boys who are growing into young men. I am thankful for the life my uncle lived and how he cared so much for his sons. I am thankful that his smiling picture will always remind me of holidays past when he would come and visit. (miss him) I am thankful for my grandparents...for christmas time when we would play games together, for writing letters back and forth to my grandma, for ice cream and red brick houses to build. I am thankful for my husband's family (my family too!)--his mom is a wonderful person who always wants to know how we are doing, I am thankful for his dad...who calls long international distance almost weekly to check on his son. I am thankful for his brothers, I never had brothers! I am thankful for his brother's kids...each a ball of spirit and wit and cuteness. I am thankful for his uncles and cousins. Thankful for his step dad, the way he fought cancer with a heart transplant. He faced death courageously, I am thankful for every day he had. So thankful for all these men and women and children who make up my family, I love them so much!

Thankfulness, days 11, 12, 13, 14

Yikes, I am behind!
I am thankful for the beautiful autumn color and sloshing through giant wet leaves at the park. I love looking down and only seeing yellow, orange and brown!
I am thankful for our home group, a collection of folks who gather around for a meal and a conversation and sharing life together. I am thankful for time laughing around the dinner table with friends.
I am thankful that my boys play well together (most of the time) they are good friends to one another, and I am so glad. What a gift the sounds of their sweet play can be!
I am thankful my husband has the opportunity to work in the type of work he loves and feels called to. I am thankful for all he does.
I am thankful for all the families I have known...too many to count or even name...who inspired me to home educate my children. I am so thankful for their example and their realness, and their willingness to share their experiences with me...as I have been watching them with curiosity before I even was married. I am thankful because it gave me courage to do this journey with my own children. I am thankful for the freedom to home school, it is such a delight to me!

Thankfulness, day 10

I am thankful for England. For how people love their gardens and green spaces. For old red phone booths and double decker buses. For beautiful accents and exciting spellings...like jewellery and favourite. For squash that children love and for chimney pots, dogs running free in the park, dogs on the bus, dogs tied to a ring (for that purpose) outside a high street store. For tea and oat cakes, the BBC and the millions of things to do in London. For people who love to make their own cards, for a culture that gives MANY Christmas cards, even from the post man. For the post man who goes around on his bicycle. For the really, really bright high vis vests..I didn't know they made that color. For the NHS, so I can take my child to the hospital for a minor concern of an injury, when I never would have in the states, if I had to pay for it! For amazing play grounds with a swing like a papason that many kids can sit on and swing from, for deer who aren't afraid of people or cars and hang out in the park all day, for being able to see a fox when I look out my window at 3 am, for all the fireworks, and that my son now says "gair-edge" for garage!

Thankfulness, day 9

A few years ago my friend Seth told a group of us, "If you want to be thankful for something, be thankful you can read." So today, because its true and because my mind is a bit foggy, I am thankful that I can read. Stories to my boys, signs on the road, labels on food, news and novels, and the Bible. I am thankful I can read and write and sometimes do math! I am thankful too, for my friend Seth who reminded me of that years ago.

Thankfulness, day 8

I am thankful for the way chicken soup smells when I slow cook it for 24 hours. I am thankful for slow food..taking time and love to make something REAL! I am thankful for the way sheets smell when you can dry them outside, and I am thankful for little sweaty boys who lay on their unmade mattresses to practice Nativity songs with their Poppa. I am thankful that he is taking time to learn these songs with them, that its one less thing for me to do, and that it will be a surprise for me in December! But really, I love that smell of chicken soup...mmm. Thank you God for how wonderful that is!

Thankfulness, day 7

Days of rest with the whole family, I am so thankful for them. My husband works at a church so he is generally working through the weekend. His day off is Tuesday, and if I squeeze school in for my 5 year old (this morning we did math and government over breakfast...describing the 3 branches of government in the US and why we have elections, If there are 2 senators for every state and 50 states, how many senators are there? Ethan thought for a moment and said..100! Can I say I am thankful that children have a natural desire to learn and do it no credit to me!)
Then we get to have a day out together as a family, while most people are off at work and school we get to be together. We went to a major shopping area today and wandered the streets with Tim on Todd's shoulders and the stroller getting filled up with parcels. Thank you for new trousers for Ethan, thank you that we can buy some things for the operation christmas child shoe boxes, and thank you we could get a few things for ourselves! Thank you for the "Everything under 99p store!) Thank you God for time to rest, for little boys who have afternoon sleeps, for how good it feels to have my husband home.

Thankfulness, day 6

Today I am thankful for the women who gather together once a fortnight to study the Bible. How sweet and wonderful it is to study a passage of God's word together and encourage one another to live out what we believe. These women who come from different backgrounds (and countries: Scotland, South Africa, Zimbabwe, England, Ireland, Germany, Hungary, United States)have children of different ages, make their way to the hall at our church to pour over Scripture together. I am thankful for each of them, and of course thankful for the word which is a lamp to my feet. I am thankful too for the sweet ladies who so faithfully watch over our little ones.

Thankfulness, day 5

Tonight I burned my fingers as I was serving winter root vegetable soup out to my family and it spilled the hot soup on my hands. As I ran my fingers under the cold water I said, "I am so thankful I can feel the pain, its the really serious burns you can't even feel!" I am thankful for my health. When I think of where I was in my health 15 years ago, and even 3 years ago, its wonderful to know how merciful God has been in bringing slow healing to me. I am thankful for my friend, Priscilla, who when I was at my wits end and being eaten alive by Candida took me to see a nutritionist, Margaret. I thank God for this wise woman who gave me the courage and knowledge to set things right in my body and who so wonderfully supported me in this process. Thank you God, its so nice to have health in my body, with my only ailement at present a few blisters on my fingers.

Thankfulness, day 4

Today I am thankful for how free my son is to do crazy skipping and jumping down a city sidewalk. When I asked him what all the jumping about was for he says, "Just practicing my soldier moves" I am thankful for my 2 boys and their wonderful daddy and God for blessing me with them all. I am thankful for the freedom and happiness of a child to move about anyway they want to without the restraint of self consciousness. Thankful that as a mom this kind of joy streams into my life everyday.

Thankfulness, day 2 and 3

OK, so I didn't get off to a good start! Here's a combined thankfulness! Just shows how hard it is to be thankful, can't really do it on my own strength!

So today I am thankful for the shop keeper at the news agent who was smiling today. A smile in the midst of a sea of disintersted, apathetic, or even mean faces is so refreshing. Thank you, God, for people who smile!

Yesterday, I am thankful for friends and birthday parties. For friends with listening ears and cups of tea who make you laugh at the end of it all, thank you God!

Thankfulness, day 1

So lately I have been festering and fostering a lot of grumbling in my mind and heart. To combat this, I am going to try and blog each day between now and Thanksgiving about something or things that I am thankful for, and perhaps the grumbler will be evicted by the end of it all.

Today a friend was telling me how her grandfather survived during WWII and the horrors he endured. Being forced out of his home country of Poland, he and countless others were abandoned without food and freezing. One in seven made it back. I am thankful tonight to be in place of peace, not having seen the horrors of war. Thankful to lead a life of freedom, I am thankful for the basic essentials. The things that would create a state of desperation if I were without them...food, clothing, shelter. Thank you, God, for these good gifts. Thank you also for bringing my friend's grandfather through, and for her sharing that story with me today.

Oh the things they say...

Ethan has come up with some real zingers lately...
After hurting himself with a stick in the back garden, he says (after freaking out, slightly) "When I get hurt, I just need to thank and praise God, and then it doesn't hurt so bad"
After finishing his rice with a small bit of liver mashed in, he says, "I just have to pretend like its my favorite food, then I can eat it okay."
"When I grow up I am going to make a part of the pavement that will push you up into the sky." (I say, "really, that sounds exciting") "Just remind me that I want to do it, okay?"

Good things to keep in mind, eh?

Our freezer had been getting progressively frostier and frostier, ice forming on the top, ice on all the food. I had wanted to defrost, but was waiting for the guests to leave, so as to have less food to worry about. (I was procrastinating) I never had defrosted a fridge before, so this was all new to me.
We had scrambled eggs for dinner the night before just to get rid of extra food. Then I emptied everything that remained out. Todd pulled the freezer drain and pulled the fridge out. He said it looked like, (oh shoot, I can't remember what he said, was it planet hoth from the Empire Strikes Back?) Anyway, it looked like a planet covered in ice. We put a pan of hot water inside the freezer to let it cool more quickly. After finishing breakfast I sat to take care of some things before my parents visit in a couple of weeks. The kids magically were playing so quietly and beautifully, I was able to get everything I needed to done.
Then I come into the kitchen...
All of our hand towels are on the floor in a big pile, including an apron my friends gave me at a bridal shower, that I don't ever wear and I don't know why I moved it to the UK. Anyway, thats in the pile, and a rubber glove. "What's all this?" I ask. "Well we needed it." My boys reply.
They had been floating various toys in the bowl beneath the freezer drain plug. Lego men, Buzz Lightyear, Diego, a key chain with a shoe with the flag from Hungary on it, a helicopter. Then they put all their toys in the various compartments on the door. "This is our store, come and buy something!"
Next thing I notice, Tim has taken a very large towel and put it in the very cold water...he's washing Ethan's back with it. (Did I forget to mention they had taken off their shirts and trousers..."We feel wild." was their reply I got when I asked why they had done this.) "Oooh that water feels good!"
Anyway, the freezer is defrosted, finally everything is wiped down and put away. I washed all the towels and hung them out to dry, which was a bit of a risk, but the weather had said--light rain. Later I am taking a nap with Timothy, and Ethan is watching the neighbors burn garden waste from the up-up stairs window, he comes rushing down. "Mom, its raining, the towels!" (so sweet that he's even concerned about them!) I open my eyes and see the very very heavy rain coming down, Oh well, it will be alright. The sun came out later and dried the towels, and tomorrow the Tesco man will bring me a refrigerator full of food!

Oh the things they say...

Here are some things my kids have said recently...of course I was thinking of more, but now that I go to write them down I can't remember them all.

Ethan, "Its something of my business." "Knock knock." (who's there?) "banana." (banana who?) "knock knock" (who's there?) "banana" (banana who?) this continues about 10 times, then "knock knock" (who's there?) "Apple" (apple who?) "apple aren't you glad I didn't say banana?"

Timothy, "Look, hairplane!" "Lets watch oovie, okay?" "Its not spaghetti, its snake pasta." "Poppa, my miss (meaning kiss) you!"
"My God is so big, so strong, so my team, there's nothing I dare not do."

(While playing with animals at the holiday club, another boy comes and stomps with his lion on Tim's animals. Tim says, "Give me space." Boy keeps stomping. Tim takes his animals and moves to otherside. Boy follows. "Give me space." Boy stomps on his animals. Tim moves back to the former side. Boy comes back and stomps. Tim's face turns bright red and the veins bulge out the side of his neck, "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Indelible Grace Music - O Love That Will Not Let Me Go lyrics

In singing my two boys to sleep last night, this song came to mind. My dear friend Emily sang this at our wedding, and the lyrics touch so deeply. The song still moves my heart and reminds me of the love of God. My pastor from our church in St. Louis said you are either going into a suffering time, going through one, or coming out of one. I don't know where you are right now, but we are in the midst of one. It is good to be reminded of "the joy that seekest me through pain." And of course, the promise is not in vain, there is a morn that shall tearless be. (You may not be into the folk-country style guitar, but the last verse is worth listening through it!)

Thankfulness, Day 29 To Corey..

I am thankful that God is with us in dark places. I am thankful for Corey. If you feel up for a cry, please read on...what I wrote for Corey back in August. If you are someone close to me who thinks I should have told you this in person, please forgive me for not telling you this in person, some things are easier for me to write.

I first knew you were there when I could open the upstairs windows at night and smell roses and lavender as though they were close enough to touch. You woke me up to use the toilet every 2 hours and I remembered how well that prepares me for the months ahead. Though usually a bustle of energy, with you needing to grow all I could do was sleep and sleep! You made me feel nauseaus and I didn't want to eat my favorite foods anymore, but I loved the fresh vegetables, the homemade broth, even the liver that I ate every week for you to grow strong. Then when we took the test to know for certain you were there...one drop...a blue line, another blue line. "Praise God" I said, and looked out the bathroom window on the garden below and smiled. I gave your poppa our willow tree "cherish" (a figurine of a woman about 7 months pregnant) and a pair of booties that Grammie had bought in England for Ethan. He was so delighted, I was so delighted. You continued to make me nauseaus and too dizzy and uncomfortable to ride the bus through the summer. So we stayed home and I read many stories to the children, thinking that you might enjoy listening too. When I sang songs to your brothers as they were falling asleep, I hoped you could hear them too and be surrounded by love as you grew. I thought about your pinpoint eyes that formed at 6 weeks, and your nubs for fingers and toes. Just 4 days ago I thought of how you have tiny feet, smaller than the tip of my pinky finger. I don't know if you ever did have those feet, just 3 days ago I awoke to small blood stains. I saw the doctor, and an exam said everything was fine. I was going to have a scan the next day, and then we would see you. 2 hours before my appointment, a huge clot of blood dropped in the toilet. Tears, tears, tears. This is it, I knew, you had gone on. I look out the window at our garden that is showing signs of the long hot summer. The warning signs got more urgent and more frequent. Going to A&E, (accident and emergency), a friend comes to drive me, another stays with the boys who are crying as I leave. At the hospital...I am having a miscarriage. They hand me a red slip and I check in. I never had a red slip before, but in England, you still have to wait the queue and answer the questions that you can't understand through the plastic window and the various accents. Various nurses and questions. I am led back to a room with 3 other people. After the urgency is dealt with, finally a nurse cares for my dignity. I find out later she is 10 weeks pregnant. I look for something beautiful in the room. Its full of signs and supplies and medical equipment. Poppa arrives. The doctor comes to examine me, she is moving to the states next week. The neck of the womb is open, she says. I knew, but it still brings even more tears to this day full of tears. She leaves to get a gynecologist, and they turn my bed so its facing the wall. I look up at the window that is opaque. I can see the beatiful light that comes even through clouds, even through opaque glass. How much more beautiful is that light than the harsh flourescent light. I sing the song I sang to the boys and you just last night, though I don't know if you were already gone then..."When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, "Even so, it is well with my soul".

"Todd," I say, "Todd, do you know, our baby is with Jesus now? It must be so happy. It must be so peaceful..." And yet, that night after an operation to remove the tissue, many more exams, and needle pricks and starvation and being in a room with 6 other ailing women trying to sleep I pray, "Jesus, I know you are holding our baby, would you let me know you are holding me that way too...and lift me from this awful place, and give me rest for the night."

We are naming you Corey, either for a boy or a girl. Though I don't know which you were, your Maker does. There are many Corey's or Corrie's as such in this world, but you are named in memory of Corrie Ten Boom.
I wrote this on August 5, 2010. We miscarried Corey on August 4.
I am thankful that God answered that prayer, and he did lift me up, and I am thankful, so thankful for those 10 weeks to be Corey's momma.

Adventures on the high street

In these parts it was the last day of school for most children! You know the excitement of the last day, and as we walked up to the high street I could see uniformed children skipping and laughing on their way to school. Of course I understand that, its just a bit odd because of all the places I have lived the last day of school has been in May or maybe June, but the end of July? The British have a great year-round system where kids go to school for 6 weeks and then have 1 week off, have 2 weeks off for Christmas holidays and Easter holidays, which by the way are called Easter holidays. Now they are off for the summer holidays and will return in September.
Anyway, what I wanted to blog about was my curious cat children and all that they did on the high street today. Ethan has not been allowed to ride his scooter through the town centers since an incident involving a metal sign where he, looking the other way ran full speed into the sign, knocking it over. So today, he walked and Tim walked for most of the way, though rode in the umbrella stroller for a bit of it. This isn't the wonderful stroller my sister gave me, which some how has broken, but another one that we bought second hand. Its much nicer for going into stores with very narrow aisles and grumpy elderly people who don't want you to be in the stores. First stop was FARA charity shop for furniture, and we asked about bunk beds...the chap said he'd sell one to me for a reasonable price and I decide to call Todd about it (of course forgot my mobile phone) and then you can imagine what two small children would do in a shop crammed with second hand furniture. We go to the card shop for a look, the kids see some balloons...and well, there's another shop to leave. Stop at the ATM and Ethan enjoys pressing a couple of the buttons. Cross the street to the butcher where I get my yummy free range eggs the same price as Tesco's eggs and some (ugh!) liver! But liver is good for me with all the iron, so I've taken to making it, though I can't stand it and only persuade my family to eat it by making a dessert on the same night. Next stop a browse in the pet store and a longing eye at the gerbils and hamsters and rabbits...Ethan plays with the rabbit cages that are on display. Come now, come now, COME NOW. Next stop post office and the kids want to touch the dividing strap, and they make the pens hang down, and off we mail grammies birthday card to the US. Lots of love in there Grammie, no peaking till your birthday. The boys put the cards and other mail in the red pillar post box, and dilly dally, hanging from the box. There is a man waiting behind us. "Do you think anyone else would like to use the post box today?" I ask, and we move on. A look in the charity shop for shirts and books for the kids, the kids obviously find things, but I don't , so its "not today, come now." A stop in an actual furniture store, produces a good bit of longing in me for a new bunk bed, but of course thats not very reasonable. The kids climb on the bed and on the way out Ethan punches every roll of carpet and climbs on a carpet on a trolley. "One more instance and you will have to hang on to the buggy" Then we are crossing the "Zebra Crossing" and Ethan is playing a hop scotch, jumping from stripe to stripe. The cars behind patiently waiting. And now I have a boy holding onto the buggy. We go to the News Agent to top up my Oyster Card for the coming week and Ethan watches the lottery advert and the Indian man who runs the story tries to talk to him and he says, "You're clever" and I think "right, clever!" He's staring at the simple video with his mouth open! Anyway, they manage to say bye, and he says "Bye darlings!" (all kids are called darlings, and sweetie and poppet here!) Finally we arrive home. Such were our adventures on the high street. And as far as I could tell, not one grumpy look from any elderly people, unless they did it as we passed, which may well be.

Picnic on the Green

Many times since we have moved here to the UK, we have enjoyed walking about 10 paces off the pavement (sidewalk for you yanks) and sitting down on the extremely short grass to enjoy a bite to eat and bit of relaxation in an open green. Today was even better because we were joined by several families and couples at our churches' picnic. We unfold our picnic blanket (which happens to have a foil side underneath, so as to warm the people sitting on top!) and spread out the plates and the packed lunch and enjoy conversing with the other families. The kids soon eat up their food and are up and about, playing football (which would be soccer, but of course we call it football), frisbee or just running around with swords and sticks. A game of cricket starts up, and I watch for a while trying to understand the gist of it. All I can gather is that its not baseball! The bat is flat with a sort of a bump in the middle, the person throwing the ball is attempting to get 3 wickets down behind the person with the bat. The person with the bat is trying to keep the person with the ball from knocking over the wickets. Sometimes people run, but I didn't understand why. My friend tells me she doesn't understand the game either (but everything I know is what she told me!) and she says this game can literally go on for days and days. Seems like a big commitment to me!

Someone comes round to offer me a chocolate candy, and I say, "No, no, I'm good." and she says, "That's an American expression. When someone says they are good, we would say you are referring to your behaviour" (I tried to spell it the British way, probably wrong though)

Then I say, "Well, no thanks, I am okay." She laughs. So I say, "How should I respond then?" She says, "No thank you, I have had enough or I am full." How very straight forward. Never really thought about that before.

So there was something nice about our gathering today. On any given day pleasant day, the green is filled with small groupings of individuals, but to have several gathering together was really wonderful. The weather cooperated and though the morning was cloudy and cool, the sun came out for a simply lovely afternoon! Other than a little sun burn our children survived with no injuries (though Tim almost chased a ball into the street--I am paranoid about kids running into the street since I a 4 yo chased a ball and was killed in our neighborhood in Annapolis), the fun flying disc Grammie sent last month had one of its fasteners pop off and though Todd and a friend and 2 boys searched and searched we couldn't find it. We only had tantrums at the end of the time when 2 tired boys decided they were still hungry and very thirsty and we had to take the bus home. Never enough energy for the journey back! After arriving home, Ethan asked for a fried egg as a snack.

By the way, these pictures are not from today, though from a sunday a few weeks ago. Since, then Ethan has had a haircut!

mending musings

These are my musings while I sat and did a simple chore that has been waiting for me to tend to it for almost one month.

When I was in eighth grade and supposed to be taking the practical arts block where I would be learning keyboarding, wood shop and home economics I wrote a letter to the powers that be to be able to take both choir and a full year of art instead. I will learn to sew...don't worry!

Well, I have tried to learn to sew, ever since, but I still wouldn't say that I can sew very well at all. I received a wonderful sewing machine for my 30th birthday, and I only used it a little before it had to be packed away and stored whilst we are living abroad...the plug is incompatible here and the motor would burn out even if we got a transformer. My heart gives a little sigh when I think of that sewing machine all boxed up.

Anyway, my son has been asking me if I would mend his "trousers" (pants in England are underwear, my kids always say trousers) which he tore when he fell off his scooter. They have been sitting in my to deal with pile for a month.

Tonight I fixed them with the sewing needles my mom gave me that had been her mothers, and maybe her mother's. On the package it says "Coat of Arms Needles...Finest Quality...Made in Redditch, England" It seems a little poetic to me that my grandmother, who would never have had trouble in simply mending a pair of trousers split at the knee, had these needles made in England in her possession and that somehow they made their way back here, where her granddaughter attempted to mend her great grandson's very favorite pair of trousers that were torn on English soil.
I thought I wouldn't go into this, but I will...it also is so poetic to me that we are here at all, when my ancestors --14 generations ago, came to America on the Mayflower...and here we are living in England. I feel a little bit of family connection in all this...though we are far away, there are reminders everywhere.

Black red heads and blondies, Queen Anne's Lace and God is stll good.

Waiting for our friends just inside the less popular gate at Kew Gardens, my boys sit on the bench and eat an oatcake. Nice clean little boys. We look at the tree and talk about what kind of tree it is (Indian Horse Chestnut) and what the leaves look like. After this the boys get up to look at the neighboring tree. "Mom feel the dirt, its so warm!" I touched the dark earth with my hand, it was warm...I could see what was coming. Within minutes their arms and faces are covered in black dirt. They look like the only red and blond haired black children I have ever seen. Love them. Love that they could do that.
Our friends who were meeting us arrive, the children greet one another with roars and dirt throwing followed by chasing through the tall grasses, bluebells and queen Anne's lace flowers (I think they were Queen Anne's Lace, though maybe not...light and white)
A caveat on Queen Anne's Lace, its a reminder flower for me...7 years ago when I was in a very rough patch, heading into a mild depression, I was driving myself north bound on 270 from highway 40 in St. Louis. Dark thoughts were rambling in my head in those days, and I remember looking to the side and seeing the Queen Anne's Lace blowing in the breeze. God is still good, they seemed to whisper gently, God is still good. Every time I see that flower I remember that, God is still good. Two years ago I was caught in a dark summer as I battled with overwhelming health issues and caring for new baby..."Todd, I'll give you a hint, see all that Queen Anne's Lace growing along the road, pick some for me." Well that year he didn't, but the following year he did. God love him, he came home with the roots, the dirt, the long stems and the puff of white flower on the top. The flower drooped all over...FYI much better on the road side where it tells you gently, "God is still good."
Anyway, here was our beautiful day at Kew, and we let the children lead the way for most of the day. They raced around the pagoda, they had a treasure hunt with pretend maps and instructions, they wandered through the flowers and had to be reminded not to pick them, we had a picnic on a blanket in the partial shade and partial sun. They found a small enclosure with a bench which became a house, a campfire, a "nest of fire", and even an office. The children pretended to be birds, flew to a picnic table, stood on the top and all of them flapped their wings while making up songs and dancing, then jumping off again. They dove into the deep grass, and pleaded with me to take a dive too. It was such a soft and warm bed of grass..."lay here until we tap you to get up." Tim laid on top of me, Ethan on my left and our other friend on the right.
While the children played, I chatted with my friend on the blanket, cuddled her baby girl and tended to our little ones as they came back for snacks, afterbite applications, snuggles or arbitration for disputes.
Somewhere in the midst of the day, I knew that even when things are difficult here, and they are difficult here, that God is still good.

Simple evenings at the playground...

Simple evenings at the playground, what a treasure. We all head to the playground, the boys racing off on their scooters. The air is cool and the sky is still bright, even after dinner. The playground is filled with children of all ages. People from different backgrounds and nationalities, its such a diverse and happy place. Many children still have on their school uniforms...skirts and jumpers (sweaters) or trousers with collared shirts, sometimes ties.
Our boys enjoy the zip line, Ethan likes a good sideways push, even Tim is able to hold on and ride down the line until the bump at the end. We play a game of family chase, Ethan often lingers too long on base and needs urging to get off. Tim doesn't really understand the game but loves all the running and excitement.
We cross over a small hill dividing the play area and Ethan is pretending we are in other worlds...Buzz Lightyear world, Tarzan world, Narnia world, Cheese Moon World...its hard to keep up.
We work out a way on the teeter-totter, with Poppa and Tim on one side and Ethan with me on the other side. In this way, we're able to bounce up and down and make one another linger in the air. (After we did this I saw at least 2 other families doing the same thing!)
The boys use their scooters and race around on the pavement outside the playgound, they want me to try and catch them. It doesn't take too much effort or pretending to get them to think I am on their tail and they dash off again.
With the sun still in the sky, we head home for baths and books and beds. Springtime is wonderful!

Some unofficial sites to see in London, from Ethan's Point of View

On a recent day trip into central London, my sons had such a wonderful time. I am sure the experiences they had are not in any tour guide, so I thought I would record them here for you, from their point of view.

After taking entirely too long getting ready--packing lunches, having a mega breakfast of scrambled eggs, rashers (which is sort of like my favorite food--bacon, but not at all and its really too bad because you can't get American style bacon here in England...if anyone would send me bacon, I can eat a lot of bacon) and oatmeal we are out the door and on to the train station. I love going on ahead on my scooter, and mom let me take my scooter today!

On the train, I want to sit with the seats where there are 3 in a row, but mom says no we have to stay where we are. I sit with Poppa, and Tim sits on Poppa's lap. In front of us is our friend, Rachel, who is visiting...Tim stands on Poppa's lap and surprises Rachel from above and then laughs hysterically. So I think that must be fun, and I do it too. So we both do that over and over and over, and it is fun. You should try it too.

When we get to the train station I love to put the ticket through and grab it when it comes out. the doors open and I walk through. I didn't get to do that when I was 4, but now that I am 5 I get to have a ticket each time we travel. Tim always wants to put a ticket in. Poppa gives him a "ticket" but its not a real ticket and he doesn't get to put it in. He cries about it sometimes. He is always thinking about the boy in the Polar Express who lost the ticket...or maybe its a girl.

We find our way out, and we keep having to stop and wait while my mom looks at the map.

We make it to Buckingham Palace and we see a bunch of people with big black furry hats and red jackets go by...they have real cool uniforms, that would be fun to have in my dress up box. I sit on my scooter and watch them go by, they are all marching at the same time, I can see them from down low looking through the bars on the fence.

There is something on today because a lot of people in fancy hats with feathers and veils and funny things sticking out go by, the men have top hats and canes. A lot of them are smoking cigarettes and I get the smoke in my face, because I am still sitting on my scooter. Poppa is holding Tim and Tim keeps saying "Funny Hats" I think he's doing this, because Momma told him he would see some funny hats, though she was really meaning the guards...and now here we are with an endless parade of people wearing truly funny hats.

We make our way over to this really cool fountain. Down on the lower part there is a statue of a guy and water is flowing out of his mouth. I like that because thats what I like to do in the bath, when mom is not in the room of course. I try to sit on the edge like Rachel is doing, Mom tells me I can't because my legs aren't long enough. She gives me a 2 pence coin to throw in, Tim throws in one too. Its just like Richard Scarry's "Pip Pip goes to London" We wander around the fountain and go up top and get to sit on the wall up top. We wave to Poppa. There are so many people and some big platforms with video cameras. Poppa asks why they are there, and I guess they were there because they can't figure out who is going to be the next prime minister, and they might figure it out any time, so those people have to sit there with their cameras all day.

Next we go through St. James' park, I ride my scooter down the hill 5-10 times. So much fun. You should try this too. Be careful though because after you do it a bunch of times and then you need to keep going with your mom and dad, you might be tired and they will say something like, "you had enough energy to go down the hill."

There are some really pretty flowers in St. James's Park. Here are some of them. My mom took this picture while I was doing the scooter thing on the hill. A great way to get your mom to let you ride on the hill is if she wants to take pictures of flowers or buildings or something.

There are these elephant statues in the park and all over London I guess, they are really fun to look at too.

We go over to the Admirality, where there are some guards. Before you get to the guards you should try and make a big pile with all the little rocks. I really could have stayed here all day, and you probably could too. Its so fun to play with rocks. We have some in our garden.

When you go through the arch way you can yell real loud and hear your voice come back to you. Try it.

Then you can get your picture taken next to a guard. he stands there very serious guarding and you can go up to him and he will not smile or move or anything. But his horse will look at you and thats what happened to this horse. It would have been a great picture to put here in the blog if my mom had had the lens open on the camera, but she didn't so thats that. We went back for the another picture but it just wasn't the same.

Next you can walk toward Big Ben, and just before you get to Downing Street where the Prime Minister lives, there is a barricade. I decide to ride my scooter on the other side of the barricade. I got in trouble for this though, so make sure your mom says its okay. There were security people and people with cameras there.

We have a picnic on the other side of Westminster Abbey, the building is all covered in ivy. Though we aren't sure you are normally allowed to do this, but nobody said anything to us. Poppa thinks someone was coughing about it, whatever that means.

This is Big Ben, well actually the bell is big ben, the building is St. Stephens Tower. I see it and say "Its Big Ben" Poppa says no the bell is Big Ben, but I still think I am clever for knowing its Big Ben.

And we try to pass by Parlimant, there are some tents set up on the lawn and someone is shouting and saying things and I tell Momma, "That's not very kind" She says its just grown up stuff and not to worry. There are so many people with cameras next to the houses of parliment its hard to get by, and there are all the tents and people shouting on the other side. Momma and Poppa have to push their way through. Right after we go through, a line of motorcycles and things go by. Later we find out that it was right about the time the new prime minister was announced.

Then we go for a ride on the tube from Westminster Station, There is a man playing violin in the passage way, I love listening to the music carry down the hall. There are signs all over the walls. One is a great big picute of someones face and arms. They have long hair and glasses, and there are these letters underneath.."OZZY". I tell my mom that "She has one ring to say where she lives and one ring to say that she's married." My mom thinks this is hysterical. Rachel says she wants to personally tell Ozzy Osbourne I said that.

We go to the National Gallery next, but Tim is asleep. At first I start to groan and moan about being here, but it turns out to be really great. I recommend using the toilet at the National Gallery because they have a really cool way to dry your hands. (So you have to wash your hands too) You put your hands in this thing and cold air blows them dry from both sides. I could still be in there! I did like to sit on the benches and look at the pictures...my mom would tell me whats happening in the pictures, kind of like a story. There is one really great room in the middle with soft benches--if you run and dive on to it, thats the best way to get up on it. You can lay there for a long time while your parents look at paintings.

We pass by Trafalgar square on the way back to the train station. Look here's a statue of Aslan, and that might be Jill Pole or Lucy or someone on top of it. I have to go home with my brother and my poppa because Momma and Rachel are going to the theater to see Les Mis. I don't like this idea, but I was good for Poppa so I got a surprise book.

That was my day in London, hope you got some good tips of things to do there!

I don't know what these are, but they are all over the place. Nobody ever uses them, there is funny thing in there with a cord. Any ideas?

This is a picture of my momma in front of the theater where she saw Les Mis. I don't know about that little girl in the picture, but my mom says one day when I am bigger I will absolutely love seeing this production. She couldn't stop talking about it and singing and humming. Things like, "Master of the "ouse." and "When the beating of your heart matches the beating of the drums." All day the next day she was in sort of a trance. She also thinks it would be great for me to have some drama lessons...